Actually, that's probably better for me. I don't want to read to chapters like, "Harry pooped in his diaper. Petunia had to change it." Yeah, that's just gross. Anyway, little old Harry is ten, going on eleven! They grow up so fast. *sniff*
The book doesn't go into the Dursleys' reaction, but I imagined that Mr. and Mrs. Dursley was brainstorming how to get rid of the kid with no witnesses and the only thing that stopped them is that Petunia didn't want blood and bones ruining her garden; so they kept him alive for the sake of cleanliness.
Unfortunately, it turns out that the Dursleys haven't been very nice to him. I just think that it's a miracle that Mr. Dursley didn't sprinkle Harry with pepper, put an apple in his mouth, and serve him on a silver tray for Thanksgiving. Way to show will power, Mr. Dursley!
The Dursleys have spoiled Dudley-- who's probably the size of a teenage elephant by now-- and have treated Harry like a slave (see: Cinderella). Only difference is that Cinderella used to pee in those bitches' tea when they forced her to cook and clean; her mice friends also left little droppings in their food.
We find out that it's Dudley's birthday today. Petunia wakes up Cinderella and makes him double as Chef Boyardee for the morning since it's Dudley's birthday. With any luck, one of his presents will be a StairMaster. It's revealed through the text that Harry has been forced to sleep under the stairs in a cupboard. That's seriously messed up. Even the brooms don't get that kind of treatment in the Dursley house. Or maybe they don't use brooms at all. Before Harry came along, I imagine that Petunia used one of Mr. Dursley's shirts as a mop when it's wet.
Harry goes to the kitchen and the table has a huge mountain of presents on it. Some of the presents include a computer, a television set, and a racing bike. I'm with Harry on this. What the hell did they get the kid a bike for if he doesn't even exercise? He might break the bike just by putting one butt-cheek on it. Maybe they bought the bike so Dudley could throw it at people. Either way, the Dursleys suck.
Harry's appearance is explored. He's anoxeric skinny, has old man knees, [glowing] green eyes, and black hair that bites off hands when touched and kills combs. Poor Harry. I thought that things would have gotten a little better. Maybe Vernon should have eaten him after all. Skinny people don't taste good, anyway.
Harry cooks the bacon and eggs and Dudley makes a big deal about the amount of presents he has. I'll even quote it.
"Thirty-six," he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year."
His parents, being the pussies that they are, promises him more presents. Um. When I was a kid, if I even brought up not having as many presents as last year, I wouldn't get shit. What they should do with little Dudley is buy him some walking shoes, diet pills, some sweatsuits, and a lifetime supply of Slim Fast. They'd probably save more doing that instead of constantly buying all of these gadgets for him.
The phone rings; it's a call from a lady named Mrs. Figg [Newton] saying that she can't take him, aka Harry. Is his name taboo now? I love that game!
Harry seems excited that he's able to go out with the Dudleys, but I don't see why. I imagine that going out with them will be like walking around with a traveling petting zoo. Petunia's like those parrots and cockatoos that eat bird seed little by little. Dudley would be like those Llamas you encounter at the zoo that will hand rape you for all the pellets you can carry in your fist. And Mr. Dursley... I think he eats whole humans, like anacondas.
The Dursleys bitch about where they could dump Harry off to and Dudley starts crying. Okay, seriously? This kid is annoying. It's like they have a pet pig-- only noisier and fatter. Oh, and he likes expensive gruel.
The doorbell rings and it's one of Dudley's friends, a kid named Piers Polkiss. Yes, Polkiss. Give me a moment.
...
...
...
Polkiss. *giggles* Okay, I'm good now.
Anywho, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley take Dudley the pig, Piers the rat (Rowling says that the kid looks like a rat), and CinderHarry to the zoo. Before they left, Mr. Dursley gave Harry the "if you do anything bad, we'll child abuse you some more!" I know I've said this before, but poor Harry.
Rowling gives us some background about how weird things happen to Harry, including Harry being a hairdresser, a knitter, and Spiderman-- who leaps from building to building to prevent his ass from getting kicked. Good job, Harry. Pigs can't climb buildings.
So they get to the zoo and things get interesting. They stop by the reptile house and Dudley points out the largest snake out of them all. He gets frustrated because the snake won't move at his command. What a whiny little bitch. He goes away and Harry stays to examine the snake.
The snake suddenly starts moving and winks at Harry. Yeah, he winks. That sounds so un-snakelike that it's not even funny. I would expect a hiss or it sticking out its tongue. Do snakes even have eyelids?
Harry starts talking to the snake like the snake can understand what the fuck he's talking about and-- wait, the snake nods at him. What's going on?
So, Harry asks the snake where it comes from. Shit, if I encountered a talking snake, I'd ask one of the following...
1) What's your name?
2) How does it feel to swallow?
3) Why did you have to fuck with Eve, man?
Oh, well. The snake gives another little nod to the sign that says "Boa Constrictor, Brazil." Way to go, Harry. Proof that humans don't read signs. He asks if the snake has ever been to Brazil and once again, Harry misses the sign that says "I've never been to Brazil, bitch, can you read?" Okay, I wish it said that.
Just as Harry was about to ask the snake how to spell Brazil or some stupid shit like that, Piers starts having an orgy over the snake moving and Dudley waddles over to see it. Dudley punches Harry and pushes him aside. I know that must hurt. It would probably feel like getting a punch from The Blob.
So, "magix" happens; the glass keeping the snake in disappears and Dudley and Piers freak the hell out. If I was Piers, I would run for the exits-- snakes like rats.
The snake senses that he's achieved freedom and slithers away, not before thanking Harry. The reptile house keeper comes along and asks where did the glass go. Maybe it went off to check out The Glass Menagerie. Maybe it went off to insert itself as someone's window. Who the hell knows? It's stupid to ask where it could go if it's fucking glass.
The whole gang packs up and goes home. Mr. Dursley waits until Piers leave-- who swears that the snake tried to strangle him. That's what you get for not getting the fuck outta there fast enough! Oh, and he also rats on (pun intended) Harry and his talking to the snake.
Harry is confined to his cupboard without anything to eat. Little orphan Annie was treated better than this. He reflects on his parents. The Dursleys told him that his mom and dad died in a car accident. They were too ashamed to tell him that they died of alcohol poisoning. He also thinks about this weird dream where he sees green light. Must have been the neon lights they were waving around during the rave and booze party. Must have been fun!
He also talks about strangers who wink at him in the street, sometimes. Harry, it's not because they know you, they want a piece of you! Duh. I don't wink at anyone unless I plan on sleeping with them. That way, they know that I am very interested and they won't have to slip Roofies in my drink.
Well, that ends chapter two. It was a very entertaining chapter.
Next chapter: Will Harry eat? Will Harry go all the way with those strange strangers who keep winking at him? Will Dudley pawn that bicycle for money to buy mountains of junk food? Find out!
0 comments:
Post a Comment