As the book goes on, we discover that the Dursleys are a bit afraid of a family called the Potters-- one of them being Petunia's own sister. If they're anything like my family-- showing up uninvited, boozing every day of the week, and threatening other family members with any weapon they can find, including a car-- I'd be afraid, too. It's mentioned that the Potters have a son, but that they haven't seen this side of the family for several years.
The Dursley's oh-so-normal life takes a turn for the peculiar as Mr. Dursley goes off to work. He notices an owl flying around and "a cat reading a map." Nothing strange about that. Cats obviously get lost once and a while and need to use something to get back home. Their paws wouldn't do so well with the GPS function on the iPhone.
Mr. Dursley convinces himself that it's impossible for cats to read maps or signs (like some humans!) and drives himself to work.
On the way to work, Mr. Dursley notices something else unusual-- strange people dressed with cloaks. Obviously, he missed the memo that Halloween is being celebrated early this year.
Mr. Dursley's day goes on "normally" until lunch-time-- lord knows that this guy needs more food. He sounds as though he'd swallow a whole McDonalds and save room for a Dairy Queen.
One of the strange people mentions "Potter". He assumes that the people are talking about his estranged side of the family. Either they were talking about his family, or they were telling each other that their mouths smell like toilets.
Either way, Mr. Dursley is almost fooled into calling home, but he decides against it. Nevertheless, he's freaked the hell out by these strange people and even bumps into one of them on his way back home. Instead of the guy being upset that Mr. Dursley nearly put him into a coma, he says...
"Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!"
Mr. Dursley is confused. So am I. Who's "You-Know-Who"? Why don't I know who it is if the damn name says "You-Know-Who"? And what's a "Muggle"? Is he suggesting that Mr. Dursley is a thief?
What's even scarier is that the guy hugs him. I don't know how his arms weren't swallowed by Mr. Dursley's stomach.
Mr. Dursley goes home and finds the same cat from earlier, sitting on his garden wall. He tries to shoo the cat away and the cat gives him a "Bitch, please" look. Snubbed by the cat, he goes into the house.
As they eat dinner, the news is talking about how strange the owls have been acting and how it's been raining shooting stars. Is this supposed to be strange? It sounds like the Dursleys are in a British kind of Hollywood. Hollywood has stars. Stars have guns. Seems fine to me!
Mr. Dursley asks about Petunia's sister, which she gets all bitchy about. Someone's going to have to sleep on the couch! Mr. Dursley makes a comment about Petunia's sister and "her crowd." Does her sister control a mob or something?
And we also learn the name of the Potters' son-- Harry. A "nasty, common name." Wait, hold up. I thought that these people liked normal. And how is "Harry" a nasty name? Sure, it sounds like "hairy" but we have such things like Nair now, so we have no excuses not to shave, ladies and gentlemen!
The Dursleys go to sleep and something strange happens outside. Judging by the weird things that have happened so far, it seems just like the kinds of things that would happen under the influence of heavy drugs. Crack is whack, but coke is no joke!
A guy appears on the corner of Privet Drive where the cat is lurking about. And he appears out of nowhere, apparently. There's probably a trap door under the sewers. He's also tall, thin, and very old with silver hair and a silver beard. Oh. My. God. Who the hell forced Santa to go on a diet? I am not very happy.
Santa's "name" turns out to be Albus Dumbledore. He's wearing a purple cloak. It's getting worse. Santa dressed like Barney? I'm utterly horrified, Rowling.
The guy pulls out a silver lighter, but instead of making light, it sucks all of the light out of the street. This guy has found the secret to making black holes portable.
Okay. I'll admit that things are getting a little strange.
He sits down next to the cat after he's shut off everyone's power. He talks to the cat and calls it "Professor McGonagall." But instead of the cat, it's a lady. She's wearing robes, too, and her glasses look like the patterns that cat has.
She asks how did San-- um, Albus Dumbledore know it was her. He could tell by the way she was sitting so stiffly. I'll keep that in mind-- next time I see a cat sitting still, I'll assume it's a lady in disguise.
They talk about "celebrating" and once again, "Muggles" are mentioned. Well, when people have too much liquor in their system, a lot more windows are smashed and more things end up missing.
The owls and shooting stars are also mentioned in the conversation.
And the name of "You-Know-Who" is finally revealed-- Voldemort. Um. Sounds like some horribly named Victorian-era emo rock band. McGonagall does not like the name, either, because she flinches.
Blah, blah, blah-- I just skip to the most interesting part.
The Potters are mentioned again. Man, they must be popular. They must be invited to all the parties. Everyone must think they're really pretty if they can't shut the hell up about them.
James and Lily Potter are dead-- I assume from boozing so hard.. Dumbledore confirms it. McGonagall cries. She must not have gotten an invitation to the binge drinking bash they had over at the Potter house and is clearly upset about it.
Dumbledore reveals that instead of calling child services, he just took the kid and ran with him so he could bring him to his aunt and uncle-- Mr. and Mrs. Dursley. McGonagall doesn't like the plan at all. She must think that Mr. Dursley is going to eat the kid. But Dumbledore says that it's the only family that he has left. He has even written a letter. Man, do they have child abandonment laws in the UK? An American would get arrested faster than you can say "driving while black".
Some guy named Hagrid is supposed to be bringing the kid. McGonagall is a bit shocked. She doesn't think that the guy can be trusted with such a big task.
A huge flying motorcycle comes out of nowhere-- someone must have stolen it off of Evel Knievel. Riding it is the guy named Hagrid. He's "almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide." Or, in simple terms, he's Shaq's height and as wide as Fat Albert.
He has the baby; he's sleeping. A huge lightning scar is on his forehead. So in addition to having dead alcoholic parents, the kid got struck by lightning. This kid is gonna have one hell of a future.
Hagrid gets all emotional and start crying like a baby. McGonagall basically tells him to shut the fuck up and suck it up. Dumbledore puts the kid on the doorstep with the letter. Once again, this would get somebody thrown in jail in America. America doesn't like stray babies.
Dumbledore suggests that they go and get drunk and high at all of these other parties happening, so all three of them leave. Hagrid hops back onto his flying motorcycle. Dumbledore restores everyone's lights back. McGonagall, the cat woman, stalks off. Dumbledore says good luck to Harry and takes off. Shit, this kid's gonna need all the luck in the world. I hope that he doesn't freeze to death by the time someone finds him.
And that, my friends, ends chapter one.
Next chapter: What will the Dursleys say when they find Harry? Will the cops catch that rogue lightning bolt that smacked Harry on the head? Will Voldemort legally change his name to something cooler? Are all the people partying still going to go to work despite the massive hangovers that they're bound to suffer from? Find out!
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