Sporking Harry Potter!

Sporking The Sorcerer's Stone, Part 2

2009-09-26T02:43:00.005-04:00

Time jump! The story zooms ten years into the future. What the hell-- did someone decide to skip over all of those years and use a time machine?

Actually, that's probably better for me. I don't want to read to chapters like, "Harry pooped in his diaper. Petunia had to change it." Yeah, that's just gross. Anyway, little old Harry is ten, going on eleven! They grow up so fast. *sniff*

The book doesn't go into the Dursleys' reaction, but I imagined that Mr. and Mrs. Dursley was brainstorming how to get rid of the kid with no witnesses and the only thing that stopped them is that Petunia didn't want blood and bones ruining her garden; so they kept him alive for the sake of cleanliness.

Unfortunately, it turns out that the Dursleys haven't been very nice to him. I just think that it's a miracle that Mr. Dursley didn't sprinkle Harry with pepper, put an apple in his mouth, and serve him on a silver tray for Thanksgiving. Way to show will power, Mr. Dursley!

The Dursleys have spoiled Dudley-- who's probably the size of a teenage elephant by now-- and have treated Harry like a slave (see: Cinderella). Only difference is that Cinderella used to pee in those bitches' tea when they forced her to cook and clean; her mice friends also left little droppings in their food.

We find out that it's Dudley's birthday today. Petunia wakes up Cinderella and makes him double as Chef Boyardee for the morning since it's Dudley's birthday. With any luck, one of his presents will be a StairMaster. It's revealed through the text that Harry has been forced to sleep under the stairs in a cupboard. That's seriously messed up. Even the brooms don't get that kind of treatment in the Dursley house. Or maybe they don't use brooms at all. Before Harry came along, I imagine that Petunia used one of Mr. Dursley's shirts as a mop when it's wet.

Harry goes to the kitchen and the table has a huge mountain of presents on it. Some of the presents include a computer, a television set, and a racing bike. I'm with Harry on this. What the hell did they get the kid a bike for if he doesn't even exercise? He might break the bike just by putting one butt-cheek on it. Maybe they bought the bike so Dudley could throw it at people. Either way, the Dursleys suck.

Harry's appearance is explored. He's anoxeric skinny, has old man knees, [glowing] green eyes, and black hair that bites off hands when touched and kills combs. Poor Harry. I thought that things would have gotten a little better. Maybe Vernon should have eaten him after all. Skinny people don't taste good, anyway.

Harry cooks the bacon and eggs and Dudley makes a big deal about the amount of presents he has. I'll even quote it.

"Thirty-six," he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year."

His parents, being the pussies that they are, promises him more presents. Um. When I was a kid, if I even brought up not having as many presents as last year, I wouldn't get shit. What they should do with little Dudley is buy him some walking shoes, diet pills, some sweatsuits, and a lifetime supply of Slim Fast. They'd probably save more doing that instead of constantly buying all of these gadgets for him.

The phone rings; it's a call from a lady named Mrs. Figg [Newton] saying that she can't take him, aka Harry. Is his name taboo now? I love that game!

Harry seems excited that he's able to go out with the Dudleys, but I don't see why. I imagine that going out with them will be like walking around with a traveling petting zoo. Petunia's like those parrots and cockatoos that eat bird seed little by little. Dudley would be like those Llamas you encounter at the zoo that will hand rape you for all the pellets you can carry in your fist. And Mr. Dursley... I think he eats whole humans, like anacondas.

The Dursleys bitch about where they could dump Harry off to and Dudley starts crying. Okay, seriously? This kid is annoying. It's like they have a pet pig-- only noisier and fatter. Oh, and he likes expensive gruel.

The doorbell rings and it's one of Dudley's friends, a kid named Piers Polkiss. Yes, Polkiss. Give me a moment.

...

...

...

Polkiss. *giggles* Okay, I'm good now.

Anywho, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley take Dudley the pig, Piers the rat (Rowling says that the kid looks like a rat), and CinderHarry to the zoo. Before they left, Mr. Dursley gave Harry the "if you do anything bad, we'll child abuse you some more!" I know I've said this before, but poor Harry.

Rowling gives us some background about how weird things happen to Harry, including Harry being a hairdresser, a knitter, and Spiderman-- who leaps from building to building to prevent his ass from getting kicked. Good job, Harry. Pigs can't climb buildings.

So they get to the zoo and things get interesting. They stop by the reptile house and Dudley points out the largest snake out of them all. He gets frustrated because the snake won't move at his command. What a whiny little bitch. He goes away and Harry stays to examine the snake.

The snake suddenly starts moving and winks at Harry. Yeah, he winks. That sounds so un-snakelike that it's not even funny. I would expect a hiss or it sticking out its tongue. Do snakes even have eyelids?

Harry starts talking to the snake like the snake can understand what the fuck he's talking about and-- wait, the snake nods at him. What's going on?

So, Harry asks the snake where it comes from. Shit, if I encountered a talking snake, I'd ask one of the following...

1) What's your name?
2) How does it feel to swallow?
3) Why did you have to fuck with Eve, man?

Oh, well. The snake gives another little nod to the sign that says "Boa Constrictor, Brazil." Way to go, Harry. Proof that humans don't read signs. He asks if the snake has ever been to Brazil and once again, Harry misses the sign that says "I've never been to Brazil, bitch, can you read?" Okay, I wish it said that.

Just as Harry was about to ask the snake how to spell Brazil or some stupid shit like that, Piers starts having an orgy over the snake moving and Dudley waddles over to see it. Dudley punches Harry and pushes him aside. I know that must hurt. It would probably feel like getting a punch from The Blob.

So, "magix" happens; the glass keeping the snake in disappears and Dudley and Piers freak the hell out. If I was Piers, I would run for the exits-- snakes like rats.

The snake senses that he's achieved freedom and slithers away, not before thanking Harry. The reptile house keeper comes along and asks where did the glass go. Maybe it went off to check out The Glass Menagerie. Maybe it went off to insert itself as someone's window. Who the hell knows? It's stupid to ask where it could go if it's fucking glass.

The whole gang packs up and goes home. Mr. Dursley waits until Piers leave-- who swears that the snake tried to strangle him. That's what you get for not getting the fuck outta there fast enough! Oh, and he also rats on (pun intended) Harry and his talking to the snake.

Harry is confined to his cupboard without anything to eat. Little orphan Annie was treated better than this. He reflects on his parents. The Dursleys told him that his mom and dad died in a car accident. They were too ashamed to tell him that they died of alcohol poisoning. He also thinks about this weird dream where he sees green light. Must have been the neon lights they were waving around during the rave and booze party. Must have been fun!

He also talks about strangers who wink at him in the street, sometimes. Harry, it's not because they know you, they want a piece of you! Duh. I don't wink at anyone unless I plan on sleeping with them. That way, they know that I am very interested and they won't have to slip Roofies in my drink.

Well, that ends chapter two. It was a very entertaining chapter.

Next chapter: Will Harry eat? Will Harry go all the way with those strange strangers who keep winking at him? Will Dudley pawn that bicycle for money to buy mountains of junk food? Find out!

Sporking The Sorcerer's Stone, Part 1

2009-09-25T19:36:00.004-04:00

This book kicks off with three important characters, Mr. Vernon Dursley, Mrs. Petunia Dursley, and their son, Dudley of number four, Privet Drive. The book makes a point to emphasize their "normal" life. Mr. Dursley sounds like the byproduct of Weight Watchers and The Biggest Loser-- before they lose all of that weight. Petunia is described as "thin, blonde, and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck." I'm assuming that her mom is a giraffe and her dad is a donkey.

As the book goes on, we discover that the Dursleys are a bit afraid of a family called the Potters-- one of them being Petunia's own sister. If they're anything like my family-- showing up uninvited, boozing every day of the week, and threatening other family members with any weapon they can find, including a car-- I'd be afraid, too. It's mentioned that the Potters have a son, but that they haven't seen this side of the family for several years.

The Dursley's oh-so-normal life takes a turn for the peculiar as Mr. Dursley goes off to work. He notices an owl flying around and "a cat reading a map." Nothing strange about that. Cats obviously get lost once and a while and need to use something to get back home. Their paws wouldn't do so well with the GPS function on the iPhone.

Mr. Dursley convinces himself that it's impossible for cats to read maps or signs (like some humans!) and drives himself to work.

On the way to work, Mr. Dursley notices something else unusual-- strange people dressed with cloaks. Obviously, he missed the memo that Halloween is being celebrated early this year.

Mr. Dursley's day goes on "normally" until lunch-time-- lord knows that this guy needs more food. He sounds as though he'd swallow a whole McDonalds and save room for a Dairy Queen.

One of the strange people mentions "Potter". He assumes that the people are talking about his estranged side of the family. Either they were talking about his family, or they were telling each other that their mouths smell like toilets.

Either way, Mr. Dursley is almost fooled into calling home, but he decides against it. Nevertheless, he's freaked the hell out by these strange people and even bumps into one of them on his way back home. Instead of the guy being upset that Mr. Dursley nearly put him into a coma, he says...

"Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!"

Mr. Dursley is confused. So am I. Who's "You-Know-Who"? Why don't I know who it is if the damn name says "You-Know-Who"? And what's a "Muggle"? Is he suggesting that Mr. Dursley is a thief?

What's even scarier is that the guy hugs him. I don't know how his arms weren't swallowed by Mr. Dursley's stomach.

Mr. Dursley goes home and finds the same cat from earlier, sitting on his garden wall. He tries to shoo the cat away and the cat gives him a "Bitch, please" look. Snubbed by the cat, he goes into the house.

As they eat dinner, the news is talking about how strange the owls have been acting and how it's been raining shooting stars. Is this supposed to be strange? It sounds like the Dursleys are in a British kind of Hollywood. Hollywood has stars. Stars have guns. Seems fine to me!

Mr. Dursley asks about Petunia's sister, which she gets all bitchy about. Someone's going to have to sleep on the couch! Mr. Dursley makes a comment about Petunia's sister and "her crowd." Does her sister control a mob or something?

And we also learn the name of the Potters' son-- Harry. A "nasty, common name." Wait, hold up. I thought that these people liked normal. And how is "Harry" a nasty name? Sure, it sounds like "hairy" but we have such things like Nair now, so we have no excuses not to shave, ladies and gentlemen!

The Dursleys go to sleep and something strange happens outside. Judging by the weird things that have happened so far, it seems just like the kinds of things that would happen under the influence of heavy drugs. Crack is whack, but coke is no joke!

A guy appears on the corner of Privet Drive where the cat is lurking about. And he appears out of nowhere, apparently. There's probably a trap door under the sewers. He's also tall, thin, and very old with silver hair and a silver beard. Oh. My. God. Who the hell forced Santa to go on a diet? I am not very happy.

Santa's "name" turns out to be Albus Dumbledore. He's wearing a purple cloak. It's getting worse. Santa dressed like Barney? I'm utterly horrified, Rowling.

The guy pulls out a silver lighter, but instead of making light, it sucks all of the light out of the street. This guy has found the secret to making black holes portable.

Okay. I'll admit that things are getting a little strange.

He sits down next to the cat after he's shut off everyone's power. He talks to the cat and calls it "Professor McGonagall." But instead of the cat, it's a lady. She's wearing robes, too, and her glasses look like the patterns that cat has.

She asks how did San-- um, Albus Dumbledore know it was her. He could tell by the way she was sitting so stiffly. I'll keep that in mind-- next time I see a cat sitting still, I'll assume it's a lady in disguise.

They talk about "celebrating" and once again, "Muggles" are mentioned. Well, when people have too much liquor in their system, a lot more windows are smashed and more things end up missing.

The owls and shooting stars are also mentioned in the conversation.

And the name of "You-Know-Who" is finally revealed-- Voldemort. Um. Sounds like some horribly named Victorian-era emo rock band. McGonagall does not like the name, either, because she flinches.

Blah, blah, blah-- I just skip to the most interesting part.

The Potters are mentioned again. Man, they must be popular. They must be invited to all the parties. Everyone must think they're really pretty if they can't shut the hell up about them.

James and Lily Potter are dead-- I assume from boozing so hard.. Dumbledore confirms it. McGonagall cries. She must not have gotten an invitation to the binge drinking bash they had over at the Potter house and is clearly upset about it.

Dumbledore reveals that instead of calling child services, he just took the kid and ran with him so he could bring him to his aunt and uncle-- Mr. and Mrs. Dursley. McGonagall doesn't like the plan at all. She must think that Mr. Dursley is going to eat the kid. But Dumbledore says that it's the only family that he has left. He has even written a letter. Man, do they have child abandonment laws in the UK? An American would get arrested faster than you can say "driving while black".

Some guy named Hagrid is supposed to be bringing the kid. McGonagall is a bit shocked. She doesn't think that the guy can be trusted with such a big task.

A huge flying motorcycle comes out of nowhere-- someone must have stolen it off of Evel Knievel. Riding it is the guy named Hagrid. He's "almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide." Or, in simple terms, he's Shaq's height and as wide as Fat Albert.

He has the baby; he's sleeping. A huge lightning scar is on his forehead. So in addition to having dead alcoholic parents, the kid got struck by lightning. This kid is gonna have one hell of a future.

Hagrid gets all emotional and start crying like a baby. McGonagall basically tells him to shut the fuck up and suck it up. Dumbledore puts the kid on the doorstep with the letter. Once again, this would get somebody thrown in jail in America. America doesn't like stray babies.

Dumbledore suggests that they go and get drunk and high at all of these other parties happening, so all three of them leave. Hagrid hops back onto his flying motorcycle. Dumbledore restores everyone's lights back. McGonagall, the cat woman, stalks off. Dumbledore says good luck to Harry and takes off. Shit, this kid's gonna need all the luck in the world. I hope that he doesn't freeze to death by the time someone finds him.

And that, my friends, ends chapter one.

Next chapter: What will the Dursleys say when they find Harry? Will the cops catch that rogue lightning bolt that smacked Harry on the head? Will Voldemort legally change his name to something cooler? Are all the people partying still going to go to work despite the massive hangovers that they're bound to suffer from? Find out!

Before The Sporking Starts...

2009-09-25T19:24:00.002-04:00

Hi; welcome to Sporking Harry Potter. Now, I realize that some of you are blinking at the screen or scratching your heads wondering, "How the hell can you find anything bad about Harry Potter?"

Truthfully, I don't. This is purely for my amusement. I don't see Harry Potter being picked on often, and I think I'll be sufficiently challenged by giving it a shot. I love the series. Don't get me wrong. It's a great series, and I hope some of you will be able to appreciate the jokes and understand that this is all just for shits and giggles.

I'll start, obviously, with The Sorcerer's Stone. Every post will cover about one chapter, but I might combine two chapters as I progress. Keep in mind that I've read every single book, but for the purposes of this blog, I am reading them as I write.

And with that said, dig in. Let the sporking begin!